It’s Ok to like Vanilla Sex & How to Set Boundaries during Casual Hookups

Jul 18, 2021

Hookups are already a wild ride. Here’s what to do if someone wants to do some Fifty Shades of Gray shit.

So you’re entering your (there’s no better way to put it) hoe phase. Great. Most of us have gone through one or are going to at some point in life. And it's time to be a sexually liberated woman.

At some point in time, whether in-person during a hookup or over text, you’re going to be asked or offered to do a bunch of kinky, sometimes hardcore, shit. If you are a pro at these situations keep scrolling, but if that brings you any kind of nerves, stick around:

Let’s talk about it.

Here is the main takeaway: do whatever you and your partner(s) want during sex, but only with the understanding that nothing is assumed during sex. If they assume violence is an integral part of sex and not an act that is to be talked out and discussed, then that is a big red flag.

The name of the game is communication. Here is our guide to navigating those conversations:

Over text:

Honestly, the only good thing about sexting or just talking about sex, in general, is the ability to research and muse on what you are into. Do your own ~research~ and see how you feel.

Before doing anything, ask them questions. Ask for the play-by-play. See if you are into it. It can be hot. If you don’t want to do it, be firm and obvious, especially about the no’s. Then redirect if you are still interested in hooking up.

If you are still interested:

When all the non-sexy logistics (where, when) stuff happens, ask about kink logistics and make sure to clearly state that with your hot body comes boundaries and rules. Be clear. It’s better for an asshole to get weeded out now rather than later.

In the IRL moment:

Get comfortable with the ideas of what you are and are not comfortable with. Have a game plan ahead of time of the things you will say no to– full stop. Air on the side of caution. One-night stands with strangers are probably not the place to push your limits.

The best hookup will ask you about everything, but if not, state what you want out loud.

“Tell me what you are gonna do before, ok?” Again, if a guy gets turned off by you stating that you get to say no to anything, he sucks and it’s time to leave.

Model that behavior yourself. Ask if you can do everything, even if it seems obvious.

You can say no to as much as you want. Not all sex things are dominatrix leather boot sex. You don’t have to want it if you don’t. Vanilla sex, or any sex, is valid to ask for.

At the end of the day, you are entitled to exactly the kind of sex you want, and so are they. If those two things don’t match up. That’s ok. Sex, even sex that seems fun and hot, is never worth your health.

Remember aftercare.

Aftercare, in a kink sense, but also in a 'you' sense. Even the most vanilla of booty calls can be a bit of an adventure. Take care of yourself afterward. Eat, wear comfy clothes, and take time to decompress.

The Sad Truth

The truth of the matter is that having sex, especially as a woman, is scary as shit. I don’t have to lecture you about having your friends have your location or self-defense. And it fucking sucks that in order to have hot sex a million safeguards have to be made. But you deserve pleasure and sex if you want. And to be adventurous and young.

No matter how vanilla or kinky your sex is, with some guy off of tinder or a long-time partner, you are not going in this alone. Have fun. <3