All Slytherins Are Dicks… Right?

Calling all Slytherins! Let’s set the record straight and expose the truth behind Hogwarts’ most misunderstood house! (Not spoiler free!)

Better be...Slytherin!

You know it. I know it. All of Hogwarts knows it. Slytherin isn’t portrayed as the cuddliest house in the world of Harry Potter. But let’s be honest, if ¾ of your school’s student body judged you the second you were sorted, you wouldn’t be either. 

I get it, Harry needed an antagonist, someone to contrast him and help drive the plot, but did it have to be a whole house? I mean there was Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape (he’s just misunderstood), Draco Malfoy (again, he was going through it), Bellatrix Lestrange, Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy — GAH! The list doesn’t end! It’s no wonder people are so quick to call us the "bad guys" and overlook how AWESOME being a Slytherin or having Slytherin friends can be!

Our house may have some...notable...alumni… but contrary to popular belief, nowhere near all of them were bad. In fact, Merlin — the greatest and most respected wizard of all time — was a Slytherin! So put your shoulders back, hold your head high, and get ready to embrace your Slytherin pride! It’s time we brought new meaning to the house of the snake!

“Or perhaps in Slytherin you’ll make your real friends. Those cunning folk use any means, to achieve their ends.” — The Sorting Hat

Feed your ambition!

The key to being a Slytherin? Fuck everyone’s opinion. I’m always being told I’m biting off more than I can chew. They say I dream too big, I’m being unrealistic, it’s never been done before so I should just try something else — FUCK THAT!

Our ambition is sacred. Don’t think for even a second, that your Slytherin friend will ever let you, or themselves, settle for less. 

We won’t “aim for the moon so we can fall among the stars”, we’ll aim for the fucking sun and high-five the moon on the way there. 

Believe in yourself! Don’t starve your ambition because someone is telling you to. 

And if you want to call us overachievers because you feel threatened by our boundless nature, then that’s on you. 

Always be determined!

Life is constantly throwing brick walls in between us and our desires and I don’t need to lecture anyone on how frustrating that can be. Moments like these are when our determination shines through. People might call us stubborn, but that’s only because they don’t understand our motives. 

When people give up, we stay strong. 

When people let go, we push through. 

And when things look impossible, we find another way. 

Our iron-will will take us far. So chase that promotion, try out for that team, just go out there and let your determination help you fight your way to your goals. 

You are a fucking champion!

Don’t hesitate to be cunning! 

We see the world from a whole new point of view. That brick wall I mentioned? It’s nothing when it’s up against a Slytherin’s cunning nature.

You may think we’re being sneaky or cheating our way to a win, when in reality we’re simply thinking outside the box! We don’t limit ourselves to the obvious problem/solution, instead we use our knowledge and wit to take advantage of loopholes and play to our strengths. 

If that means bouncing a ball off our opponents chest to win a round of cup pong then so be it! 

Don’t hesitate to embrace that cunning spirit, the rules are a suggestion, so make them work for you! 

Revel in your pride!

There’s such a toxic aura surrounding the word pride, usually because we relate it to narcissism. But a Slytherin’s pride isn’t about not being able to admit when we’re wrong, it’s about our self-worth. Pride isn’t just an inflated ego, it’s understanding what’s owed to us as people. 

If that means respect from our employers, or honesty from our significant other, a Slytherin will accept no less than what they deserve. 

We’re not going to hook up with a person we know is toxic because we understand we’re worth more than that (and we wouldn’t let our friends do that either). 

Bask in your pride, and be comfortable expressing your self-worth. Don’t be afraid to cash in on your dues. 

It’s not self-preservation, but preserving one’s self!

“A Slytherin will leave you if it doesn’t benefit them.” Fuck yeah we will Karen (who’s Karen?), and it’s real selfish of you to assume your needs rank higher than ours. 

It could be as little as taking a day off for self-care, or as big as ending a toxic/unhappy situation (be it with family, friends, relationships etc.) either way, why the fuck are we being villainized for needing to protect ourselves?

I’m all for helping others and being there for your friends and the people you care about, but any situation where you’re needs — especially your mental needs — are consistently shelved for someone else, is not okay. 

We all have boundaries, so why are Slytherins called out for enforcing them? 

If you decide you’ve got that bread, got that head, and you’re ready to leave? Then leave. 

A Slytherin isn’t acting on self-preservation, we’re doing whatever we have to do in order to preserve and protect ourselves! 

Chillin’ like a Slytherin. 

We’re not perfect, but what house is? 

Whether you’re representing the snake gang, or in another house, searching for your Slytherin side and appreciating the awesome snakes in your life, just be great, be yourself, and remember to stay proud!

“You could be great, you know, it’s all here in your head, and Slytherin will help you on the way to greatness, no doubt about that.” — The Sorting Hat