8 Hookup Stories That Will Make You Feel Better About Your Sex Life

No matter how many times you watch 50 Shades Of Grey, your sex life is never going to go as seamlessly as Christian and Ana’s. Sex is FAR from perfect, so here are some shamelessly true stories of when ‘fuck me’ turned into ‘well, FUCK me.’

Sex is not like the movies.

Like yeah, sex is great, but it’s also messy, awkward, and can be really embarrassing if you don't go in with an open mind (pun intended).

Most people make the mistake by assuming it'll just ~happen~

Clothes don’t magically fly off while making out; you actually have to pause to unbutton your jeans. Positioning; you're going to have to have a quick dialogue about what and who is going where. And don’t even get me STARTED on the awkward delay of mutual nakedness while someone puts on a condom.

Sex can be awkward as fuck, but that’s normal.

And honestly, sometimes that makes it more fun. I've stopped mid-session because we were both so embarrassed that we started laughing our asses off. So, to make you feel better about your mortifying hookups (those don't count as bodies, btw), I asked college students what their cringiest sex stories were.

And damn, I sure do feel better about mine.

#1 The Wannabe Standup Comedian

I mean, at least the guy had a good sense of humor. Although, I don't think I'll be adding John Mulaney to my sex playlist anytime soon.

#2 The Twin Bed Tragedy

Don’t worry, minimal bruising occurred. The worst affected area was the neck ;)

#3 Destination: Not-so Virgin Islands

I think this is the one time anyone could be disappointed in JetBlue...

#4 Silence of the Virgin

Quite a way to tell someone you haven’t lost your virginity; let them take it from you. Speaking of virginity, what about that scene from Ginny and Georgia when Marcus casually dropped the fact that he was a virgin when they first fucked? Yikes.

Well, I hope he got the blood out of his sheets.

#5 A First Time Flop

1. I’ve never met a straight male who refused to undress a girl. Lowkey impressive.

2. What the fuck are they teaching in sex ed nowadays? Condoms go in the trash.

#6 Boyfriends Birthday Gone Bad

I think my biggest concern here is how he was able to finish while his girlfriend was making puking noises…

#7 A Big Dick, a Choke, and a Bruise

... At least the dick was big.

#8 Bruised in All the Wrong Places

I don't care what anyone says - NO DICK is worth a hematoma... this poor girl.

Sex typically doesn't go as planned, but it's only awkward if you make it awkward.

My suggestion: get rid of those fantasy expectations and just have fun. Laugh off the embarrassment, because in the end, it will all make for a funny story. And although it will definitely make you cringe (for perhaps the rest of your life), it'll make one hell of a story.

So fuck the awkward and fuck who you want.